nylphenia

hmm, life sure has changed for me.

i gave up on L, not longer in my life.

I am dating someone new.. someone whom... everything is different. He accepted me, all of me - my lifestyle, who i am complete.

the kicker of it is - i do not want to share him, i do not want anyone else!

funny how that works eh?

well, i just do not know what to do, things are not going well with L, i want friendship - but i do nt think he is capable of it.. to start - he takes what i say and twiss it into things that are not truth.

take my lifestyle choices.. they are so different then his own - that is what has broken us up, he always comes back to hs penis envy - he thinks it is all about the lovers.. but it is not - it is the soul connection - he thinks that yu can only ever have One person for that connection - that is total bull shit! that is my point - but it always comes down to sex with another man... ~shakes head~ he just can't get past one tiny little point to see the actual issue! he is so hung up on penis envy - he is missing the whole of the issue.

so - i say.. i am giving up my selfishness.. i am walking away. i am giving up my love for you in order not to hurt you even more at a later date. and he turns it around into me wanting to hop into anothers bed asap!

i feel like it has become like beating my head against a brick wall. and it sucks - cause there is love there...

but - a life together will not work - he does not accept my life choices.. he wants a different life then i do. he wants me to change who i am to what he wants.. and i am not willing to do that anymore.

he says i am being selfish - like the last 10 years of me doing just that and killing my soul do not count cause he was not there.

if i really loved him i would give up my way of being, my way of thinking - what makes me happy to be with him... how is that love?

that is being selfish. to the extreem. i would be so happy in a big 'family' home.. my clan around me - sorta like a big adult group home.. but he does not want me to make that happen - he wants met o stay in his apartment with only him.. minimal visitors... i am such a social creature it is maddening. i do not want to be locked in a cage.

i spent 8 years with an older man. loved him dearly - but rather then being a 17 year old.. i turned into a 40 year old married woman.. rather then being 19, 22 etc.. i was an old woman making house for a hermit.

and now L - who helped me break out of that cycle wants to put me back into it!

damn it - i am 25.. i am finally living a life my age.. i am finally grasping life and enjying the fact that i am young. i no longer want to 'grow up' and grow old. i did that prematurly.. i lost almost 10 years of my teen & 20's to being an old woman and not my own age.

i want to be 25. i want to do the things of my age group. i want to hang out and go to movies, go t the pub.. chat at the coffee shop. gods - i want to Live my life.. not watch it pass before my eyes anymore.

and i wanty someone that will accept me as who i am - lock, stock & barrel - and love me for that, that wants the same things out of life.. and is willing to go for it.. that is not 'too old to change' (what a bunch of absolute bull shit - you can always change - it is if you want to)

and i do not want someone to have to change who they are in order to be with me either
that would be hypocritical.

meh

well - i am back in town.

the noise here sucks ass

am getting everything moved down to my new place, took my cat down yesterday. was tough to sleep with the noise in the city.

i do not know what to do with men.

L i love him, enjoy being with him.. but we are so far apart on how we live our lives. i already gave that up once, i am not willing to give my soul and fullfillment in life up for love damn it!

and then there are others..

A, there is emotions for him, D will always have a place in my heart & bed.. and only having him around for 3 months - i am spending it all with him..

L can not abide sharing me - so is it nicer of me to force him to walk away now.. or at a later date?


i do not know when i will take another to my bed.. but it is not something that i will be able to tell L before it happens most likely (spur of the moment type thing)

and damn it all to fucking hell - L broke up with me.. he can not expect me to remain with him forever - i know he wants me back.. but too much water has passed under that bridge for me.. that i love him does not come into this - we Can NOt have the same type of relationships as the other wants/needs... so why continue to hit the head against the brick wall?

life seems to be throwing us options to get back together.. but.. i can not.

ahh - well.. time to look at this photo album and see what i can do with it and all the pics from the summer.

the only other thing i would suggest is to focus all your energy onto the as you put it, the Ultimate.. if oblivion is sucking you down.. focus on the aspects of before oblivion came to be.. before it was created.. before it had any existance to have any power.. place yourself into that. on of the things about being within the void that i work in.. you have to surrender to all that IS - all that exists.. and know it to be illusion... then you have to surrender to all the IS NOT.. all that does not exist.. all the death and hate.. and oblivion.. and pass through it to the other side.. to be in the void of ALL.. one must go through death of light and death of dark. to pass beyond Both and understand that they are both... to have all that IS, you need all that IS NOT.. to be both.. but neither.. that is to gain the state of ALL. to be beyond the illusions of IS and IS NOT. only then can you dance within the spirals of creation. to exist as the circle of ALL.

How we feel or react is ultimately a choice (we choose to be angry or sad, others don't make us feel that way). There are many sources of energy to create that inertia, other people, circumstances, the environment, your personal standards, upbringing, lifestyle choices, all have some power to redirect your path, but your personal desire to be happy and to be the person you want to be must have the most power over your direction. - Randy -


a friend sent this to me.. and it really is truth.

Len broke it off with me.. then he wanted to get back together.. but i can not yet..

friends, lovers, companions in life.. but the trust & respect REALLY need to be build between us.

i miss my little cat so very much..

i really want to be able to have her up at the camp site with me.
but i would never forgive myself if something got her...

i have met some Very cool people out here.. i am loving it...

i will have some pictures soon to post.

another friend Mcfal will be up here this coming weekend.. can't wait..

but i am running out of time...

i wish i could see all mu friends - that is the part that sucks...

but it is so cool.. and connecting to gaia.. being able to see the stars.. this is a dream come true!

ok.. first week up at camp - and is okay. is a nice area.. lotsa fun - takes me about 3-4 hours total through out the day to do my duties.. is nice.. wodded area at a lake - some open fields, rolling hills..

other then issues spiralling out of control with my b/f.. life is wonderful..

what i do not get - is that my word is not good enough..

WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK??

how can i create a live and a relationship with another that does not trust my word..

~fumes~

i do not know how much more of this i can take..

as much as i love him.. this is not a situation i am willing to be a part of.. and if he does not grow the fuck up and quickly and take his childish attitude out of the picture.. i am not goign to be able to continue this relationship..

i love him, so very much - but for fuck sakes.. he Can NOT condone... my lifestyle.. can not be part of it.. so i have to give up what makes my soul happy to be with him..

i have been honest - i am not Capable.. nor do i wish to be capable of monogamy.

fairly damn fucking staright forward no??

~ugh~

i have to get back to the camp site.. it is going to be a very LONG night. Len is coming up.. and though i realy want to see him.. part of me does not want to see him.. due to all the bull shit.

i hope my first weekend is good!

i AM loving this camp!

this was an awesome day off.. i worked 6 days straight..

very heated discussions with my boyfriend..

letting all my friends know i was leaving..

arranging stuff for my job this summer.

loads of thinking, feeling..

so - today was nice, slept in a bit.. met up with my b'f for lunch (he has such a cool work site!)

then went over to albie's work place.. got to see Em & Cand.. (whee! i so love them and they are cute too!) and then went off with Albie to get my eyebrow pierced.. lol

we went to 3 different places in the end.. from the middle of New West to one side - then off to the other side up in burnaby..

after we walked over 10 blocks.. it was so warm and the wind.. it was cool to just walk and talk.. usually we have seen each other at the bar.. or each others work etc.. so it was nice to connect as friends.. i miss doing stuff like that as i have been such a home body for so long.. but i think i would like to start doing daily walks again.. get my b'f to join me some days.. any other friends that just wanna walk.. it would be so nice..

course it is easier to have get together walks with friends in the PM.. if you all work similar hours.. lol... and that is so not the case right now.

so we went for coffee.. then i came home and had a wonderful evening with my b/f.. which has been so needed.. and we are listening to the graceland album right now.. hehe.. he heard me Sing for the first time.. he has heard me sing along with stuff mindlessly.. but.. Under African Sky by Paul SImon is one i Actually Sing.. i think in an hour he has played it 5 times.. lol.. course i would close my eyes and actually belt it out.. and then i would open them and he is just staring.. lol.. and i get embarised and stampper! (the cute goober stuff we always do.. it is nice)

so.. i enjoyed time with my man.. time with my friends.. got pierced (TEHEHE) it looks cool - is nice and small - almost 'delicate' which is good... it would be interesting to get back into my jewelry making... and do some custom work for myself.. and the piercing did not hurt.. a small pinch.. thankfully they did not use clamps.. ~shudders~ i have had my ears done with them.. ugh!

anyways.. off for the night..

well - it has been a month of hell, but i can see the end.. in part cause i am heading out in exactly ONE WEKK as of today to go camping for 3 months

~dances happy round her appartment~

no more traffic.. no more city lights, no more emergency vehicles with sirens at all hours of the night..

Actual stars! Stars i tells ya!!!

yes, i am excited.. i used to go out camping so much, as a kid - every summer was full almost every weekend was spent camping.. i loved it..

i have not had the chance to go out for this long before, and all on my lonesome!! though i will have tons of other people round especially on the weekends..

and wildlife.. aside from the normal bears and cougers... there is moose there (i have no recolection of ever seeing a moose in r/l..) my mom has talked about the jewel blue jaybird that is there.. she had only seen glimpses of it flying between trees type thing till the other morning when we were talking on de'phone.. she pulled into a camp site and it was just sitting there in the sun did not fly away from them.. she hushed on the phone and whispered all excited about it.. describing it to me..

and i can fish again! ohhh!!! i will be albe to catch me own dinner again.. that has been years as well...

my soul has missed being out in the bush.. so very much.. i just can not wait!

i am going to miss my kitty cat so very much though.. Shad*dow is not used to being away from me for more then 2-3 nights.. she is not going to be impressed with me.. and i am going to miss her dearly.

i have worked out what weekends my b/f is coming up to camp.. every 2-3 weeks for a visit... and my dear good Friend mcfal here.. he will be up a few times to visit (insert evil chuckle here)

and i have lots of other people that are interested in coming up to see me.. it will be so very nice.. then i hope i will not have to much homesickness..

but - i am so ready to go!!!!

okay, i have decided to do this as a way for friends & family to remain in contact while i am camp hosting this summer.

when i can i will be updating it.. feel free to leave messages for me if ya like.

and of course as i get used to how this works.. more will be in here.. lol